Existence

 6:00AM

Wake up. Shut off alarm. Get up. Change into clean and warm clothes. Take your work bag with your ID card and work details. Slip a warm hoodie on. Get the hand warmers. Wear the wool socks that are from the basket next to the shoes. Put on the big fur boots. Put on the winter coat. Clean up. Make bed. Open the front door. Leave the apartment. Close and lock the door behind you.

6:30AM

Walk down the hallway towards the elevator. Feel too cold and weak to use the stairs. Press the down arrow to call the elevator. Wait. Wait. A ding is heard. The elevator doors open. Enter it. Press the L button. Elevator doors close. Wait. Wait. Wait. Your legs feel weak. You have a headache. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Ding! The elevator doors open. Walk out into the lobby. Walk out the front doors. Cold. Snow is falling. You are freezing. Activate the hand warmers. You are still cold. The cold seeps into your skin.

6:45AM

Head left from the lobby. Keep walking until you pass a total of four traffic lights. Cross the street on your right. Stay on this road until you arrive to a tall building numbered 2849. It will be on the right. Scan your ID card. Enter the building. You are still cold.

7:30AM

Call the elevator on your left. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. The headache is getting worse. The elevator arrives. You enter it alongside two other coworkers. Press number 9. Wait. Wait. The elevator stops to pick up people from floor 3. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. The chatter in the elevator is making you feel sick. Wait. Ding! The elevator doors open. Exit and find cubical 43 in the far corner. This is your cubical. It always has been. For the past 10 years. Take off your coat and hang it on the office chair. Sit down. You are cold. Turn on the mini heater on the desk. The cold still lingers.

8:00AM

Get up and go to the accessibility washroom. Enter it and lock the door. Go to the mirror. Look in the mirror. Hold the sink for support. You cannot recognize the person in the mirror. They are thin, the skin almost translucent. They are a walking skeleton. Their hair is thin and brittle. Their eyes are distant and lifeless. They are unwell. Sick. Gone. That is not you. Who are you again?

8:15AM

Leave the bathroom. Go to break room. Make yourself a coffee. Black. Hot. It barely warms up your hands. Walk back to your cubical. Ignore the stares. Sit down. Set up computer. Log into work. Put on headphones and work.

9:00AM

Work. You feel lightheaded. Work. Work. You are still cold. Work. Work. Work. You feel dizzy. You drink some of your now cold coffee. Work. Work. Work.

11:00AM

Work. Work. Work. The chair starts to feel uncomfortable. You take the extra cushion and put it under you. It helps. Work. Work. Work. The workplace chatter seems to be getting louder.

12:00PM

People get up to take their work break. Stay seated. Continue to work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Coworker whose name you cannot remember invites you to have lunch with them. You decline. You don't have lunch for yourself. Continue to work. Work. Work. Work.

3:00PM

You have to refill your water bottle. Stand up. Ignore the headache and walk to the water fountain. You can barely hold the water bottle up. Refill it. Walk back to cubical. Sit down. Work.

6:00PM

Take the work bag and put on your coat. Sign out of work and shut off computer. Walk to elevator and wait with your coworkers. Wait. Wait. Wait. The elevator arrives. You enter. Someone already has pressed the button G. Wait. Wait. Wait. You are freezing. You feel weak. You feel lightheaded. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Ding! The elevator doors open. Walk out. Exit out the main doors.

6:10PM

Go left and walk. You are cold. It is dark out. The snow makes it harder to walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Cross the street and turn left. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Pass the four traffic lights. You feel like fainting. Walk. Enter the apartment lobby and walk to one of the elevators.

7:30PM

Call the elevator. Wait. Wait. Wait. Your vision is getting dark and fuzzy. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. The elevator arrives. Enter. Press the button 18. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Grab the railing to steady yourself. You can barely see. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Ding! The elevator doors open. Stumble down the hall. Find apartment number 1837. Fumble around for the keys in the work bag. Open the door. Enter. Close the door. Lock it. Attempt to walk to bed. Collapse on the floor. No bones seem to be broken. Nausea. You have nothing to throw up. Crawl to the fridge. Open it. Take a meal replacer. Drink it. Glance at the oven clock.

9:32PM

Move into a sitting position. Stare at the floor. Check for bruising. There are bruises. Stumble to the bathroom. Shakily stand up. Stare into the mirror. You again, cannot see yourself. The person you see cannot be you. You take off your coat, sweater and boots, to be only wearing a long sleeve shirt and sweat pants. You look at the mirror again. You want to throw up.

10:00PM

Stumble out of the bathroom. Go to your bed. Slip under the covers and attempt to sleep. You are freezing. The apartment is already at max heat. Stare at the ceiling. Close your eyes. Sleep.

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You are unable to remember the time you have eaten a complete meal. You are at the brink of death. You have no one. You speak to no one. You do not have a phone. You do not have a TV. You do not socialize. You do not have family. You do not have anyone to love. You exist. You do not live. You exist, wasting away for no reason. You cannot recognize yourself. You are forgetting too many things. You cannot feel happiness. You cannot feel sadness. You cannot feel anger. You cannot feel. You are dying. You are gone.